Kicking my hillbilly heroin habit

It's pretty much like Trainspotting.

I've been taking various combinations of OxyContin, oxycodone, and morphine sulphate since last June, with an occasional injection of actual morphine (ha ha ha!) when I was getting dialysis and wasn't allowed to get out of bed.

Morphine injections are insane, by the way, especially when they're pushed directly into your aorta. (Jealous of my port, heroin addicts?) It's like going from normal to spins-drunk in about four seconds, only every time you close your eyes, you see spectacular and sometimes terrifying hallucinations. Once, after my coma, I was reading a novel about Mardi Gras when the nurse gave me a morphine shot. I fell asleep and dreamed that I was being pursued by a murderous peacock-plumed eagle, with green and purple feathers and gilded beak and talons, through a miles-long cavern filled with glorious pirate treasures. (See also Coleridge's Kubla Kahn
.)

Anyway, I'm tired of the drugs, because they make me kind of sleepy and stupid, even when I'm taking a maintenance dose. On the other hand, they do keep my leg from hurting all the time, and they protect my friends and loved ones from the horrible crankiness that results.

So I stopped taking them when I got back from Thailand/Cambodia, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but it threw my already jet lagged body into more chaos. I wake up at four AM ravenous and full of energy, but by noon I'm exhausted and have a stomach ache. Plus I shiver all the time for no real reason. I'd go back to the pills, but I guess I'd have to start the detox process all over again at some point.

How much pain is a person supposed to grit their teeth for, anyway? Back when I was in chemotherapy, doctors would write me opiate prescriptions like they were salesmen for an Afghan poppy plantation. Now they give me a suspicious stink-eye when I ask if I should still be taking them. But I'd be happy to follow the rules if somebody would just tell me what they are!